There are growing concerns that John McCain may have obtained a second unicorn horn.

Growing concerns by me, that is.

If you were in a public bathroom and you found a severed bird head floating in the toilet, would you use it anyway?

I'm not talking about a raven, or an eagle, or anything particularly large. Is it even possible to flush an eagle's head down the toilet? I'm talking more along the lines of a red-breasted robin, or a cactus wren.

Friends, I've got coyotes in my neighborhood. They come down from the mountain at night to kill and eat the neighborhood cats in the wash adjacent to my living quarters.  I'm thinking I might vote for one of them. Is that cool, or are you folks at Townhall opposed to write-in candidates?

Friends, I'm fond of carpet samples. I wouldn't call myself a collector, because I often discard my old samples for newer models. But I know a thing or two about them. I certainly enjoy their company.

Those of you who have been following my writings will remember that I don't believe there's any such thing as  gravity. I don't know if I've ever told you the story about the time I attempted to prove it, though. I conducted my experiment  in the way that all great Americans prove things - by tying random objects to kite string and attempting to fly them. So I set a carpet sample inside my three-hole-punch and jumped on it until three faint holes appeared. I looped my kite string through the center hole and tied it.

For some reason, it wouldn't fly. I didn't understand it. I went back to my studio, utterly confused, and phoned my friend who happens to be a scientist. I asked him  what could have possibly gone wrong, but he wasn't able to provide me with an explanation that I could accept. I decided that it might have had something to do with the carpet sample. So I examined it. Do you know what I found?

Blood. And water. It had been bleeding. And crying.

So immediately I did a Google search. Would you believe that not one scientific study on the possibility that carpet samples might be living, breathing organisms has ever been commissioned by anybody? Naturally I was onto something.

And that brings me to the primaries. It is widely known by now that Giuliani is not a pro-life candidate. His campaign has suffered in part because of that fact. You, the conservative base, have spoken.

But did you know that it is possible to be pro-life and not be "pro-living-carpet-sample"?

Mike Huckabee is not pro-living-carpet-sample. Unfortunately, neither is Mitt Romney. 

Friends, we have to think about the future.  The most important issue facing our nation today is the fact that we've neglected to give carpet samples the care and attention they so desperately need and deserve. I fear retaliation.

McCain is the only candidate qualified to meet this issue head-on. Arizona's primary is coming, February 5. I intend to do the right thing.

Friends, the noises all point to McCain. Jupiter loves a war hero.

FFMMC // EE // NNNDNN // EE // NENNE

With respect to Dennis Prager, the problem with Rudy Giuliani is that he's no longer human. There's a second, smaller head hidden beneath his collar that has attached itself to the neck like a parasite and is currently running his campaign. This head looks surprisingly similar to the larger head that sits high atop his body, but with two smaller mouths on the tip of the chin, and hook-like teeth. Giuliani himself is no longer in control.

Now that I've explained everything, let's talk about John McCain's magic unicorn horn.

He's a winner, friends, but only as long as that horn remains. The thing about unicorn horns is that, once they're removed from the head, they become soft. You can literally cut through it like a sushi roll. And that I believe is what is responsible for his comeback. He takes a slice of that horn every morning with a cup of coffee. It is not entirely inconceivable that he could thin the slices out over  the duration of his campaign and win this thing. If you don't want McCain to win, you're going to have to get to the horn before he eats it all.

 

Am I permitted to post anything I want here? I'd like to start by introducing myself, if that's alright.

I'm a social and fiscal conservative, just like most of you. But I'm also a visual artist, specifically a neo-surrealist, and a musician with a particular interest in harsh noise art. I collect rocks. I make paintings and hide them in strange places, then post them on a website with clues and partial maps so that people who are residents of my city can find them. I believe in God and in Extra-terrestrial life. I spend most of my free time scanning through shortwave radio bands and recording strange and unusual activity for use in various projects. I fall asleep every night listening to the plasma ejections from Jupiter's magnetosphere. I'm utterly obsessed with noise. I'm assuming there are much fewer people here who share my interests than there are who share my political views. If you're out there, introduce yourselves.

Visit JamesBHunt.com to view my art. If you have a Myspace account, feel free to add me.