Friends, I'm fond of carpet samples. I wouldn't call myself a collector, because I often discard my old samples for newer models. But I know a thing or two about them. I certainly enjoy their company.

Those of you who have been following my writings will remember that I don't believe there's any such thing as  gravity. I don't know if I've ever told you the story about the time I attempted to prove it, though. I conducted my experiment  in the way that all great Americans prove things - by tying random objects to kite string and attempting to fly them. So I set a carpet sample inside my three-hole-punch and jumped on it until three faint holes appeared. I looped my kite string through the center hole and tied it.

For some reason, it wouldn't fly. I didn't understand it. I went back to my studio, utterly confused, and phoned my friend who happens to be a scientist. I asked him  what could have possibly gone wrong, but he wasn't able to provide me with an explanation that I could accept. I decided that it might have had something to do with the carpet sample. So I examined it. Do you know what I found?

Blood. And water. It had been bleeding. And crying.

So immediately I did a Google search. Would you believe that not one scientific study on the possibility that carpet samples might be living, breathing organisms has ever been commissioned by anybody? Naturally I was onto something.

And that brings me to the primaries. It is widely known by now that Giuliani is not a pro-life candidate. His campaign has suffered in part because of that fact. You, the conservative base, have spoken.

But did you know that it is possible to be pro-life and not be "pro-living-carpet-sample"?

Mike Huckabee is not pro-living-carpet-sample. Unfortunately, neither is Mitt Romney. 

Friends, we have to think about the future.  The most important issue facing our nation today is the fact that we've neglected to give carpet samples the care and attention they so desperately need and deserve. I fear retaliation.

McCain is the only candidate qualified to meet this issue head-on. Arizona's primary is coming, February 5. I intend to do the right thing.